January’s blog must be written today, the final day of the month. Deadlines motivate me. But my inclination to delay, detract, and stall is just as strong. That means I go to the fitness center first. Then I come home and make lunch. After that I am compelled to put on a load of wash. The fresh flowers in the vase must be trimmed and given fresh water. You can see why I chose “focus” as my word to live by in 2020.
Delay, Detract, Stall
Yesterday was a boon for avoidance. We arrived home following an overnight with the grand girls when a power outage occurred. I optimized the situation to avoid all the projects I am currently committed to. I could not paint because I had no way to heat the art studio. Writing was out because my thirteen-year-old computer has a dead battery and must always be connected to an electric power source. All nonsense. Instead I worked on the jigsaw puzzle. Here’s the most ludicrous…I sorted through the cards and clippings in my recipe box and discarded anything I had never made. I’ve been collecting recipes in that box since 1976 and never once sorted through them.
My next personal challenge still waits: publishing a book. I’ve already had five years retired from my former career. For the first two years I employed a stunning series of major detractors: selling a house, relocating, getting established, and enjoying family. Next, I played a huge avoidance card. Instead of writing an actual book, I started a blog. I committed to it every week for a year. Major writing challenge averted. Still blogging and claiming elder parent issues I have procrastinated another year.
Avoid, Divert, Sidetrack
The Heart of Winter Art Show is one week away. I intended to have a winter-themed painting ready, but just did the preliminary sketch last week. As expected I diverted my attention to the books to be discussed at book club. Predictably, in the same time frame I felt the urge to research for the manuscript. All while I simultaneously searched for a January blog topic. Somehow in the muddle I did write a poem for the art show just to forestall painting. I clearly recognize my weaknesses: avoid, divert, sidetrack. Why can’t I focus?
To avoid painting, I write. Or I paint to avoid writing. Reading preempts a number of tasks, primarily cleaning and cooking. If I’m frustrated with all of those, I prioritize time at the fitness center. Any combination of goal and detractor works. The cycle continues until at some point I cross an intersection when multiple projects come to completion. I’m just not always sure which success will happen and when.
Here’s another observation. The more inspired the goals, the more challenging the diversions I create. My greatest personal aspiration to date was to earn a doctorate degree. When I reached the most difficult stage, the research and dissertation, I elected to train for a 5K race. At fifty-years old I committed for the first time in my life to compete in an athletic event when I had the least amount of time. I never ran the race, but I did defend my dissertation. Some kind of strange physics occurs when I play the avoidance game.
The psychology of my behavior hasn’t crystallized. Perhaps I feel inadequate to my goals or have a fear of failure. For me every endeavor requires a contender, an equally inspired challenger. Each ambition propels the other to completion. I’ve always agreed with the adage that our greatest weakness can be our greatest strength. Maybe I have found my super power. Alternate evasion propels me. I’m an evador.
Last Saturday, the Lunar New Year, I made a firm resolve to focus on writing. Strangely, I’ve also felt an impulse to prepare for this summer’s Tibbetts Point race. Maybe something big is on the horizon or maybe I’ll try that scone recipe I found.